Many folks can find themselves in a loop where they make a mistake, beat themselves up, feel horrid for their decision, get caught in the rut all day, and rinse and repeat. Across time, these people (all of us) can fall into a pattern of believing or fearing something quite negative about themselves: I’ll never be good enough, my worth comes from my actions, I can’t truly trust or rely on anyone, no one actually cares about me, I will never fully please my partner, my efforts don’t matter, or many others. These fears and beliefs can cement over time into core beliefs and fears shape us. They can create a filter that alters how we see the world around us. They can also play a crucial role in common diagnoses such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Beliefs and fears are reinforced over time. They play on the adage “practice makes perfect”. The more that we do or understand something a certain way, the faster our brains pick up on the pattern and replicate it – for better or worse. Therefore, these beliefs we all carry have a creation event and then multiple repeated sustainments. We have all been through negative experiences, yet for one reason or another some stick with us more than others. The ones that stick with us can become these creation events. For the sake of this article, imagine a person’s parents divorced when they were in grade school and they now carry the belief that if they had been “better” their father would have been more involved in their life. Now they fear if they are not “enough”, others in their life will also leave.
This fear feeds on events, perceptions, and thoughts. Furthering our example above, this person now feels an internal, unconscious need to perform and please others so that they will stay. Perhaps this person develops perfectionistic tendencies, people pleasing actions, conflict avoidant patterns, or possibly the fear that others will wake up one day and realize they do not want to be in relationship with our example anymore. These fears likely come from the father leaving and seeking to avoid being left again. Now these fears direct the person’s actions that actually reinforce the belief.
Again back to the example: to avoid being not good enough and abandoned, our individual feels they must be perfect in their relationships, and they believe if/when they are not perfect, friends or partners will leave them. Therefore, when friends or partners do leave, when there are challenges or struggles in relationships, or when there are painful misunderstandings, all these events are understood as justification for the actions which reinforce the underlying fear. Over time, the actions feel essential to avoid the fear from coming true. Yet in reality the fear creates the need for the actions. The actions feeling essential brings the fear out of the past into the present moment, making it feel real and ever looming.
Everything above describes a viscous and painful cycle that unconsciously runs on fears, actions, and assumptions. If someone believes that their relationships are performative and they must be good enough to avoid losing those close to them then they take action. That person will seek to prove value, be good enough, avoid conflict, meet needs, or “earn” the relationship. When there is any real or perceived disruption to the relationship, the fear is reactivated, affirmed in that person’s mind, and the actions feel more essential than ever before. Core fears (not good enough) from the initial event (abandonment) lead to actions (perfectionism) to avoid repeating the events (abandonment). Unfortunately, this progression hinges on assembling fears and perceptions that may not be accurate. More than likely, our poor child’s parent left due to something within the parent. It most likely had absolutely nothing to do with the person in the example, yet they might live and act out a large part of their life as though the fear was true.
Not always, but many times, this pattern of fear, action, and perception can manifest as some of the harshest statements we make towards ourselves. When these fears are activated, especially if we don’t know what has been activated or where it has come from, we can speak out of fear, hurt, sadness, or anger towards ourselves in a way that more deeply engrains the negative belief. We seek to correct the action or reprimand ourselves, but all we do in those times of “beating ourselves up” is to bring the fear into the present moment and make it seem both real and actively happening.
If this is a trap or loop that you find yourself caught in, you are not alone and there is a way to break out of it. This is something that most people experience, yet not many slow down and focus to unearth and defeat it. At Tennessee Mental Wellness we often help folks to work through and overcome this pattern in both Gallatin, TN and Hendersonville, TN. This is often done through a combination of Emotional Awareness and Expression, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Narrative Therapy, and Emotionally Focused Therapy. If you are interested in learning more, please reach out!
